TRUMP TOWER, Manhattan -- The transition team for President-Elect Donald Trump has announced that it intends to find administration jobs for all 540 American billionaires.
"We're well on our way to that goal," said top Trump advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner, "but Mr. Trump has decided that it will make American especially great again if we can get every last one of the billionaires listed by Forbes into our government."
Several billionaires have already signed on to top Cabinet posts. The Commerce, Education, Small Business Administration, and Treasury departments will all be headed by billionaires, as will the Department of the Army and the Council of Economic Advisors, among others.
"I've found in my dealings with the 'one percent' that billionaires like to hang out with other billionaires," said Kushner, "and we certainly intend to make our billionaires feel comfortable in their new surroundings in Washington."
There was some doubt expressed by journalists on last night's Trump Transition Team conference call whether there were enough high-level jobs to attract over 500 billionaires into the Trump administration.
"Oh, we'll have to dip down into the assistant and deputy and assistant-to-the-deputy-assistant levels of government to accommodate everyone," the transition team briefer said on the conference call, "but I think with the extra amenities we're willing to throw in, we'll get billionaires at many levels of government where we haven't seen them before."
"Extra amenities"? The transition team is thinking of adding butlers and personal masseuses at many levels of government service, and apparently the Office of Personnel Management has signed off on that plan. There is also talk of installing "champagne fountains" in many previously spartan offices.
"We do what we can to attract the fattest cats," said the transition team spokesman. The champagne fountains are portable and will not require new wiring or extra plumbing.
"We want our billionaires to feel good about themselves and enjoy their new surroundings," said Donald Trump, reached via Twitter. "In the past, super rich people didn't feel welcome in some offices. Sad."