WHAT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!

Proving at least that they're cut out to lead the nation into the 19th century, the ten (declared) Republican candidates running to be our president took the stage in Simi Valley Thursday night and gave us some precious reminders that no number of Bush presidencies can make up for one Reagan.

(BTW: Who hangs hundreds of tons of jet plane immediately over the heads of seated people? Since, obviously, there's no precedent for EARTHQUAKES in those environs.)

REPEATING RIFLE AWARD To John McCain, for saying twice, in rapid succession, "The Iraq war was terribly mismanaged. The Iraq war was terribly mismanaged"

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY Mike Huckabee, who singled out for opprobrium Iraq war decisions made by too many "guys in suits and silk ties," while simultaneously wearing a resplendently red silk tie

IN YOUR FACE, JOHN McCAIN Ron Paul: "Don't pretend the Iraqis were a national threat to us"

MAKING UP HISTORY OUT OF WHOLE CLOTH Rudy Giuliani: "The Iranians looked in Ronald Reagan's eyes and in two minutes they released the hostages"

BLOODY-MINDEDNESS AWARD A tie between John McCain ("I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell!") and Sam Brownback ("The current tax system should be taken behind the barn and killed with a dull axe")

INAPPROPRIATE GRINNING Points deducted from McCain for following his "gates of hell" proclamation with a silly, shit-eating grin

BEST ENVIRONMENTAL FAKE-OUT Mike Huckabee, on global warming: "Our responsibility to God means we have to be good stewards of the earth"

WHAT A BUNCH OF STAND-UP GUYS! On how they'd feel if Rowe v. Wade were repealed, nine out of ten squealed with pleasure. Sam Brownback: "It will be a glorious day of human liberty and freedom, so long as you're not a woman" (he didn't say the second part of that, being blessed by God with a penis).

BIGGUS DICKUS AWARD Mitt Romney: "I'm now very comfortable with the idea that government can intervene in a woman's decisions"

LITTLEST DICKUS Rudy Giuliani, responding to the thought of repealing Rowe v. Wade: "It would be okay"

QUEER-FEAR AWARD Tommy Thompson, who said he believes employers should be able to fire you because you're gay

STRICT CONSTRUCTIONIST Duncan Hunter, who's very big on border fences and wants more miles of 'em, and not those little puny fences, either, the ones that Mexicans can climb over, but big honking WALLS. And machine gun nests. Maybe some land mines too

POLITICAL SUICIDE WATCH Ton Tancredo: "Karl Rove would not be in my White House"

SOFT-SHELL CRAB AWARD Rudy Giuliani: "Neither party has a monopoly on virtue or vice. That's a fallacy we fall into. I'd certainly bring Democrats into my administration"

DAMNING WITH PRAISE John McCain, naming Joe Lieberman as the only "Democrat" he could think of who'd find a place in his administration

DAMNING WITH FAINT PRAISE Mitt Romney: "I respect the president's character," and his emphasis on the last word was unmistakable, as were the implications about George W.

SCARED TO DEATH OF SCIENCE Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback, and Mike Huckabee, all of whom raised their hands to say they don't believe in evolution

BEST BONE THROWN TO LIBERTY Ron Paul: "I'm absolutely opposed to a national I.D. card." Runner-up ... Mike Huckabee: "Centralizing government power has been a huge mistake"

THE GHOST OF SCHIAVO PAST Mitt Romney: "It was a mistake for Congress to get involved in that case." John McCain: "In retrospect, we acted too hastily." Rudy Giuliani: "A court of law, not Congress, was the appropriate place to decide it." Duncan Hunter: "Congress did the right thing"