Rev. Pat Robertson, Pipeline to God

On the January 3rd edition of the Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club," Rev. Pat Robertson, host and Christian Coalition of America founder, made predictions for the New Year based on what he said God told him during a recent prayer retreat:

1. Robertson said that God said, "I will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly, and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith." Can we just drop the other show, already? When is God gonna do something about people who attack sanctimonious hypocrites?

2. Robertson also said that he "heard it from the Lord" that President Bush will have Social Security and tax reform passed and that Muslims will turn to Jesus Christ. We would guess that having heard this revelation by now, Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani is hole up in a mosque writing out his voluntary commitment papers. The Jews are gonna be so-o-o-o jealous! Otherwise, it's just very sobering to find out that Jehovah takes such a strong interest in keeping the rich sleek and in jerking the social safety net out from under all those deadbeat old people.

3. "And I think the American stock market is going to surge upward, if I heard from the Lord. Again, ladies and gentlemen, don't go and buy stock on my recommendation, but that's what I feel in my heart. The Lord was saying it's going to be a super good year." And the Lord said to the rich Pharisee, "Sell all that thou hast and buy Wal-Mart."

4. "Well, the Lord has some very encouraging news for George Bush .... What I heard is that Bush is now positioned to have victory after victory and that his second term is going to be one of triumph, which is pretty strong stuff .... He'll have Social Security reform passed. He'll have tax reform passed. He'll have conservative judges on the courts. And that basically he is positioned for a series of dramatic victories which I hope will hearten him and his advisers. They don't have to be timid in this matter because the wind is blowing at his back, and he can move forward boldly and get results." Basically, God has a hard-on for George W. Bush but has to stay in the closet because, you know, He hates fags.