Congresswoman Foxx Decides That the Fifth District Hasn't Suffered Enough

At 3:24 this afternoon, my in-box dinged with ineffable, cruel, inevitable news: Congresswoman Virginia Foxx will run for reelection.

What She Said
There is no place I’d rather live and represent in Congress than North Carolina’s Fifth District.

What She Meant
I'm the Tea Party Queen of D.C., bitches!

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What She Said
I am energized and dedicated to working hard to find common-sense solutions to the challenges facing North Carolinians.

What She Meant
My Flying Monkeys are rested and hungry.

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What She Said
Congress needs people who have a backbone, who will stand up for what’s right and who know how to solve problems without expanding government and without creating more debt.

What She Meant
Jonathan Swift, the political philosopher of the 18th Century, understood that if you feed the poorest to the slightly less poor, you take care of two birds with one stone.

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What She Said
As a small-government conservative, I will remain vigilant in protecting our freedoms from the overreach of the federal government and will faithfully serve the people of North Carolina’s Fifth Congressional District.

What She Meant
I DO have that cookbook: "How To Serve Your Fellow Man." Personally, I like 'em cooked with an apple in their mouths, and some sweet potatoes as a side. Ha ha ha.