Nearer, My Assault Rifle, To Thee

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

"Blessed are the low on ammunition, for theirs is the corner gun store.

"Blessed are those who scorn, for they shall have liberals.

"Blessed are the cliques, for they will inherit the militias.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for assault rifles, for Windsor Hills Baptist Church shall satisfy them, though not necessarily this year."

The Church Militant: "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places, which means we need our teenagers to be packing some serious heat."

After Jesus comes, they're gonna miss not having anyone around worth shooting.