Ananias in a Skirt

U.S. Representative Virginia Foxx (NC-5) issued a statement on the economy. Which means ... back by popular demand ... we read it, so you don't have to:

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What She Said
The positive economic news continues to pour in...

WHAT SHE MEANT
I got so much money, it's backin' up on me. My deck might collapse.

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What She Said
...proving that the Republican-led House's pro-growth economic policies are working.

WHAT SHE MEANT
First you know the answer. Then you get the proof. Which is to say, all my friends are rich too.

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What She Said
Our country is creating hundreds of thousands of new jobs each month and has undergone its strongest growth spurt in years.

WHAT SHE MEANT
My beloved president, George W. Bush, said, "So let it be written, so let it be done." Ever notice how his eyes sparkle in the light?

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What She Said
In addition, the unemployment rate has fallen to 4.7 percent, which is lower than the average of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s.

WHAT SHE MEANT
Addition. I learned addition in grade school, when I was so poor I scraped the cafeteria floor for snacks. But I've personally added since then, added a lot. Now the rest of you sorry S.O.B.s can scrape the floor. See how you like it!

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What She Said
This remarkable economic news is proof that lower taxes plus restrained federal spending equals a strong economy.

WHAT SHE MEANT
Are you as turned on right now as I am?

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Footnote on Ananias: According to Crosswalk and Acts, chapters 4 & 5, Ananias was a sanctimonious liar: "The offence of Ananias ... showed contempt of God, vanity and ambition..., and utter disregard of the corruption which [he and his wife] were bringing into the society. Such sin, committed in despite of the light which they possessed, called for a special mark of divine indignation."